Maria Cleary

disabilitiesReading

September 4, 2021 by clearymf 0 Comments

Back to School 2021 – Yikes!

I always laughed at that old Staples commercial when a parent was dancing down the aisles buying Back to School supplies. Yes, I could identify, especially after having four kids on summer vacation who had worn out their welcome around mid-July.

But as much as I was happy to see them go back, it always drove me a little crazy as a teacher and parent when my kids looked upon that first day with such dread. What a terrible place it must be to evoke such misery! Shouldn’t it be fun, stimulating, interesting, fascinating? A place to engage with their teachers and peers in challenging experiences that inspired them to grow?

School – A Happy Place?

Plenty of teachers try to make their classroom exactly that. And sometimes they succeed. But often, school is a rigorous place with academic demands that have been designed by curriculum experts. What can we do to make those attractive to our students so they look forward to September with glee and anticipation?

This year, it may be especially hard to do this because of COVID restrictions that find many teachers trying to reach their students through the barriers of masks. Extreme caution and even fear will mark the first days of school until we all work things out to our own comfort level – if that’s even possible.

And What About the Special Ed?

But here’s the kick. As the parent of a disabled child, I always marveled at my daughter’s love of school. She attended almost all year with a short six-week break in the summer, and went willingly and happily to class every day. When I asked her if she had fun, I always got an enthusiastic “yes!” for an answer. There was never any misery in September when she had to go back.

So what can these young people teach us? Is there a joy we’re missing about the whole school experience? Are special ed teachers doing something different? Do special ed students have a wisdom and appreciation of learning and community that we can’t grasp?

It’s Just How They Are

For the most part, this is how disabled kids are every day. They’re accepting, non-judgmental, willing to laugh and have fun, anxious to love and be loved. Their view of the world is simple and they have few expectations. When things turn out great, they’re happy. When they don’t, they’re sad but just for a while until they are consoled and can move on.

Now, it must be said that not all disabled young people are like this. Some present difficulties that are beyond a parent’s or teacher’s ability to handle on a daily basis. That’s why we get help from caregivers, aides and other support professionals. And the challenge of handling those children and teens cannot be understated.

What Can We Learn From Them?

But is there some lesson we can learn from the disabled who seem to be tolerant, supportive and totally unbiased. They don’t see differences in color, race, age, body type – all the things that often separate the rest of us. My daughter’s Special Olympics team has a range of athletes from 21 to 54, males and females, tall, short, multi-racial, skinny, overweight, shy and boisterous. And they love each other, unconditionally.

I’m still trying to figure out how that works, even after all these years. And I hope I do. It’ll make me a much better person. And if we all did, it might make going back to school a happy experience.

Reading

August 22, 2021 by clearymf 0 Comments

For Our Struggling Adolescent and Teen Readers…

Reading Can Be Fun Again! - Podcast

Reading

August 18, 2021 by clearymf 0 Comments

The Little Library

I was born and raised in the Bronx. Despite its reputation, it was a nice place to grow up. We had about twenty kids on the block and we did everything from playing jump rope to stoop ball to singing rock and roll in harmony on our front steps.

Caredisabilitieshousingindependentletting goParents

July 22, 2021 by clearymf 0 Comments

Letting Go

Letting Go – Not So Easy

It’s every parent’s dilemma – when to let go. Is it time to send them to day care or preK or summer camp? How many moms (or dads!) followed the school bus the first day your child rode alone? (Full disclosure – I did!) As your children get older, you’d think it would get easier but it gets worse because now they’re going out with their friends to a mall or concert, driving for the first time, or, one of the toughest, going off to college. The grey hairs on our heads are measured by each small slip of our grasp on our children’s lives.

What if your child has a disability?

For parents of the disabled, these events may be especially difficult. Each of us wishes a full and free life for our child. We dream of a time when they will be able to live and work as independently as possible. However, self-sufficiency requires the ability to be – well – self-sufficient. Many of us spend countless hours teaching our kids to do chores around the house, count money, travel on public transportation. We sign them up for jobs or volunteer work where they will acquire abilities that they wouldn’t have the chance to learn at home. But at what point is it safe to “let go?”

A Different Kind of Question

When parents are deciding about whether or not to send their disabled child off to some kind of independent living situation, there is one question that looms large: “Is it safe?” Of course, every parent worries about safety but normally developing children can be taught about danger in a way they will most often remember. For those with disabilities, it’s not the same; their ability to think critically is often hampered. When my daughter was working, we used to stay on the phone with her when she walked the three busy blocks from her job at Panera’s to her tutoring session, talking her through every street crossing. I remember once I fell down the basement stairs, and when I asked my daughter to call her brother, she just stared at me. Somehow, the shock of seeing me there made her unable to function.

So How Can They Live On Their Own?

That’s the question we’re facing now – and we’re not alone. As we age, we know we have to plan for our children to live without us. We’ve checked out every option – group homes, supervised apartments, licensed residences, independent housing. We’ve run ourselves ragged visiting almost every model that’s available. Many of them were admirably run but there was always a problem – too far, too institutional, not enough supervision, caregivers would come and go. We found two places that had a wonderful setup but, in each case, the success of the operation depended on one very talented person. Suppose that person was no longer there – then what?

Are We Just Making Excuses?

Since we have a daughter, my husband is being especially protective. He keeps on saying that he understands it’s important for her to learn about living on her own. But it’s going to be especially hard for him to make the leap. However, I believe that if the right opportunity came along, we’d know it and, while biting the bullet, we’d do it. So far, that hasn’t happened and time keeps ticking away. And it’s not going to wait for the perfect moment or situation.

Will We Ever Stop Worrying?

Probably not. We’re parents after all. But for parents of the disabled, the worry is with us daily. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a parent support meeting where someone didn’t cry, because sometimes the questions seem to have no answers. So all we can do is be there for one another, exchange helpful information, rely on those who can help and create as loving an environment as we can for our children. And then we can only trust that we’ve done our best.

disabilitiesParents

June 18, 2021 by clearymf 2 Comments

Disabilities – Milestones of Grief

Last week, we lost our dog. He was the cutest little thing – a Morkie rescue – although he might have been a few other breeds too because he always looked like a ragamuffin. He was one of those dogs that wouldn’t ever have won “best in show” but he was perfect.

One day he was fine and the next he had a raging cancer. A huge spreading mass grew across his abdomen and that was it. We were in total shock. For those who have lost a pet, enough said. For those whose pet was their disabled child’s best buddy, we know the sadness is even more palpable.

Grief comes in all shapes and sizes. And it’s an interesting thing about grief and disabilities. Of course, we all grieve about our child being born with so many extra challenges to face. Everything will be so hard, we think. So much will be lost to them.

But people often note that kids with disabilities appear to be very happy. Our own daughter always seems full of grace, ready to believe the best about anybody, possessing an easy laugh at simple things and an appreciation of small beauties around her.

But What About Our Grief?

So perhaps, for parents, the grief is ours. When we decide to have children, we all have wonderful dreams for them. Of course we want them to be healthy and happy – and perhaps secretly hope they’re smart in school, talented athletes, beautiful dancers, glorious singers; we may dream of scholarships to elite schools and big careers as doctors, actors, scientists and senators; we picture them in handsome wedding attire walking down the aisle while we beam at their happiness; we mentally play with our adorable grandchildren who will start the cycle of achievement and success all over again.

And we don’t just want it for them. We want it for us too. And that’s normal and OK. It’s just that special needs parents will never know many of those dreams. And so we grieve.

Our daughter was adopted from Bulgaria and she lived in an orphanage until she was three. Although we didn’t know she had disabilities when she arrived, we figured it out pretty quickly and she’s thriving as best as she can. And we’re thrilled. But here’s the kick. We have three biological sons; my husband was one of four boys. So it became clear that the only way we were getting a female into this family was to import her from another country.

The irony was that I wanted a daughter starting from baby number one. I had plans for long chats, walks together, inspirational talks on new opportunities for women, bridal dress shopping – the whole nine yards. And it didn’t happen. Is it selfish to say I grieve over that loss? Maybe. But I do.

Is This My Fault?

For those with biological children who are disabled, there is yet another torturous grief – the one that says, “What did we do wrong that produced this disability in our child? What gene or medicine or food or activity led this to happen? This must be our fault.” And no matter how much research we do or how many discussions we have with medical professionals, that extra layer of grief is always there. Is there anything we could have done to prevent this?

How do parents deal with this in the midst of what is often a nightmare day with a child who’s out of control, or needs attention 24/7 or whose behavior brings a daily call from school? Grief just brings down whatever energy you are able to summon as you wake up each day.

Some of us pray; others exercise; some find support groups; many cry. Everyone worries as if our fears are somehow protecting our children from any worse fate.

Moments of Grace

I’ve come to believe in grace. It doesn’t have anything to do with religion. It’s just a sense of love and peace that I try to summon, sometimes successfully, when I am in need. Very often, it comes in the form of kind and generous people who are willing to help and to share, or a good book in which I can hide for a while, or a silly episode of Everybody Loves Raymond that makes me laugh out loud. Sometimes, it’s one of my daughter’s small triumphs where she shows she has learned something we’ve been working on for a while or just a sudden appreciation of a garden or a great baseball play or a laughing child that’s beautiful. Whatever it is, I try to notice it and take it in. It gives me strength.

Perhaps just knowing that we all have shared grief is a grace. And maybe sharing that with our fellow travelers on this tough path is a grace too, both for those who share and those who receive.

Reading

May 14, 2021 by clearymf 0 Comments

Learning Disabled? Not My Kid.

“Learning disabled” is a tough label for us parents when it comes to our children. It may be the path to extra services for students who’ve been identified as having problems in class, but that doesn’t make it any easier for us to swallow.

Of course, there are many types of learning disabilities and not all are as serious as others.

But if a young person struggles with reading, the implications for life success may be dramatically affected down the road. Research shows that their chances of employment are greatly reduced as well as their earning capacity.

One thing science knows for sure, however, is that if a child stops reading in middle school (as mine did) neurons in the brain start to be “pruned.” You either use them or lose them. (https://www.normandoidge.com) Another thing to worry about.

Older students who are challenged readers will often refuse to open a book. They’ll say it’s boring or they just don’t want to but the reality is that the discomfort of reading is just too overwhelming. We parents and educators need to find a way around this so that reading can be fun again.

Find a cozy place to read and a subject they love – even if it’s mostly pictures!